How I died...

   I'm aware of the gaps, so I'm going to fill them in. Mainly because it makes it hard to write a post daily if a huge part of my daily life is omitted.  But first, I'd like to make it clear that my experience doesn't isolate me from motherhood or the mothers therein.

As you know, I died almost this time last year.  The actual date was April 26th - the day my son was born.
At 37 weeks, having felt looming dread all day, I was admitted to hospital with severe abdominal pain, and I mean puking blood, sweating tanks SEVERE.  Baby's heart sounded good, as did mine. They thought I had extreme colic and gave me an enema. Hilarious in hindsight.

On my return from the toilet, I was feeling better until extremely bad luck shot a white, hot poker through my spine and out through my stomach. It felt as if my blood was draining through my toes and I told my mother to call the nurse before collapsing on the floor.  I came to to chaos.  Baby's monitor sounded like someone beating a door down, nurses were calling out crashing stats and the words "We have to operate now!".

As they began crashing my bed through swinging doors, I thought "Fuck! I'm going to die! This is shit!".  Closely followed by; "If you're there God, please forgive me for disrespecting my own life.  Don't let it count against me.  If the baby dies, please look after him and...if possible...please let me live for my husband's sake."

By the time the surgeon was standing over me, I was experiencing the most profound calm of my life.  He told me he was going to have to perform an emergency c-section right away.  In my mind I answered; "I'm in your hands, I hope you're good."

A day later, I came to in a room full of machines.  They were keeping me alive and I could have kissed them for it!  As it turned out, I'd suffered a splenic artery aneurysm.  I'd lost my spleen, part of my pancreas and 2 and a half times my full volume of blood - a record that has only recently been surpassed by a surviving patient.  I'd technically died three times on the table and yes...there does seem to be something out there.

I was supposed to be brain damaged - the jury's still out on that. Other supposed-to's include coma, unable to produce milk, in hospital for 3 months and so on.  My recovery was miraculous because I didn't know for months just how sick I was.  All I wanted was to see my son.  I didn't for a week and when i finally got to his side, his state of health completely overshadowed mine. 

He was supposed to be dead the night he was born.  Then they said, he might last the week.  At 4 weeks, they decided he wanted to live, but that the winter would probably kill him.  He's nearly a year old now. He's absolutely gorgeous, angelic and smart, but a little bit trapped inside a body that shows signs of cerebral palsy. If I could have chosen a birth with no pain or sadness, I would have, ofcourse, but if it meant I couldn't have him, I choose him.

So that's the story.  The beginning anyway.  Can someone please fart now for brevity's sake?